dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
