Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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