i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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