So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
