The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
