I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
