When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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