he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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