You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
