i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the day after is always just damage control
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
