Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
