So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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