at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
