i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
