i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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