she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
