Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
