Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
