I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
