he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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