At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
