two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I got inside last night via doggy door
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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