Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
