i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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