When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
