i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
