Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
