I wanna bring you to show and tell
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
