Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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