Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
