My cat gives me a boner
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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