I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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