I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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