Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
