and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just want nice things and good sex
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
