whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
