i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
