I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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