he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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