best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
