it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
