I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
