can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
