I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
His nipple licking is glorious
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