It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
