I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
