weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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