i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
