It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
