Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
